Traumatic Bonding
Jan 23rd, 2009 by admin
One of the great tragedies of all forms of abuse is that the abused person can become emotionally dependent on the perpetrator through a process called traumatic bonding. The assaults that an abuser makes on a woman’s self-opinion, his undermining of her progress in life, the wedges he drives between her and other people, the psychological effects left on her when he turns scary — all can combine to cause her to need him more and more. This is a bitter psychological irony. Child abuse works in the same way; in fact, children can become more strongly attached to abusive parents than to nonabusive ones. Survivors of hostage taking situations or torture can exhibit similar effects, attempting to protect their tormentors form legal consequences, insisting that the hostage takers actually had their best interests at heart or even describing them as kind and caring individuals…
Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all the time. At least on occasion he is loving, gentle and humorous, perhaps even capable of compassion and empathy. This intermittent and usually unpredictable kindness is critical to forming traumatic attachments. When a person… has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, …she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief, like the surge of affection one might feel for the hand that offers a glass of water on a scorching day. But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the very same person. …
[An] abusive partner’s cycles of moving in and out of periods of cruelty can cause [her] to feel very close to him during those times when he is finally kind and loving. [She] can end up feeling that the nightmare of his abusiveness is an experience the two of [them] have shared and are escaping from together, a dangerous illusion that trauma can cause. …
The trauma of chronic abuse can also make a woman develop fears of being alone at night, anxiety about her competence to manage her life on her own, and feelings of isolation from other people… all of these effects of abuse can make it much more difficult to separate from an abusive partner than from a nonabusive one…
– Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
The following describe some of what happens to those who have experienced “betrayal bonding” or “traumatic bonding”:
- They obsess about people who have hurt them, even when those people are long gone.
- They continue to seek contact with people who they know will cause them further pain.
- They go overboard to continue to help people who have been destructive to them.
- They continue on as a team member even when it is obvious things have become destructive.
- They continue to attempt to get people to like them who are clearly using them.
- They continue to trust untrustworthy people.
- They are unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships.
- They choose to stay in situations of conflict even though it would cost them nothing to walk away.
- They keep trying to be understood by people who clearly don’t care.
- They are willing to keep damaging secrets about exploitation and abuse.
- They stay in contact with abusers who acknowledge no responsibility.
- They continue to expect people to follow through in a relationship, even when there is an ongoing pattern of nonperformance.
- They are not horrified by things that have happened to them that are horrifying to other people.
- They move closer to people who are destructive to them, even though they don’t like, trust or care for the person.
- They are nostalgic about relationships that are so awful, they were almost destroyed by them.
- They are attracted to dangerous people
- They stay in relationships far longer than they should.
It struck me typing this out that one reason for the horrors of the internet is, on the internet those who have experienced betrayal bonding/traumatic bonding will encounter abusers and all of the above destructiveness can then play out in various ways and to various degrees. More generally, by far most women display many of these characteristics with respect to most men; we all know (or have been) the women who are repeatedly drawn to dangerous men or dangerous situations with men, for example. As women we have all been subjected to the power imbalances and ongoing abuse together with intermittent kindnesses that characterize traumatic bonding.
Heart
Of course, traumatic/betrayal bonding survivors are often told that they are, or believe themselves to be, “submissives” or even “profound submissives,” as though these are some sort of essential or natural sexual/relational ways or states of being. And also of course, there are plenty of folks around willing to dominate them and help them to become more deeply entrenched in their betrayal bonds, such that they never recognize what has happened to them and therefore they do not get free.
Wow. This is so wretchedly true.
As I read through all of it, I was going “check, check, check”.
Women do this on a collective level with the human male social *group*, as well as doing it on the individual level with individual males. And for sure, we do it with other women - it’s one of the ways that the “echo effect” of misogyny works amongst women to keep us connected in toxic ways, however much we might consciously not want that.
I’ve spent my life doing all of the bullet points above, *mostly* with other females, because I have intentionally had very little to do with human males. Those bullet points write the tragedy of the lesbian and feminist “communities”.
Pardon me while I lie down and cry. (Not something that I do a helluva lot.)
Ah Mary.
Fwiw, you’ve been a good role model for me in some of those bullet points! I agree with you, we have these issues in women’s groups as well, do we ever, very discouraging.
The two recognitions that were turning points for me (though all of the above list has applied to me and mostly still does, though I am making good progress in my recognitions) were:
* They are not horrified by things that have happened to them that are horrifying to other people.
* They are nostalgic about relationships that are so awful, they were almost destroyed by them.
I think it is so easy to be attach to an abuser, especially they may close you off from a more caring world.
I spent many years feeling I “deserve” abuse, and when and if they shown me a small piece of kindness I was very grateful.
When I was abused by my stepdad, he often used treated me as his special “princess”/ “pretend” girlfriend. He would spoil me by buying me flash presents, often take me out without being sexual with me.
But his kindness always was with a price - that I would always be available for sexual violence at his whim.
His “kindness” did my head in more than the violence, because it made me believe that he could love me. That he may treat as a step-daughter not his sexual toy.
In prostitution there are johns who enjoyed playing mind-games by doing the “boyfriend” role.
I had men that used that role to in public treat me with “respect”, often making me fall into the trap of believing that they “loved” me. Even would give me hope that they get out of prostitution.
They like my stepdad would spoil me, treat as a princess, make me feel they care about my mind - even make me think that we were equals.
I would forget I was just a fuck-object to them.
That was very dangerous for my mental health, coz having hope in prostitution can lead to emotions of self-harm when it clear that once again it is a brick wall.
It is very hard to break bonding with an abuser, only time and caring people can do it.
But the mental effects are truly terrible.
Heart -
I’m pretty speechless. This has been me my entire life.
My relationship with my…whatever he was has just ended, so this is now more poignant than ever.
Thanks.
CJ.
All these excerpts from the Lundy book have been very valuable, thank you for posting them. For myself by the time I left the abuser he had not been even remotely nice to me or exchanged any normal kind of conversation with me in a very long time.. I think that was a big help because when I left I never went back. This brought a lot of condemnation from people who were horrified I wouldn’t “give him another chance” but in fact I’d run through that whole hope/giving him a chance scenario internally a thousand times already and I had thankfully come to the end of it. Of course I am viewed as incredibly cold hearted by the community I was in but hey, FREEDOM.
The one thing I relate to in the points list is: “They are not horrified by things that have happened to them that are horrifying to other people.” I am used to it and also I resist being horrified because I don’t want to get into that whole triggered/anxiety thing. However for a clear perspective on evil that happened that doesn’t horrify you just imagine if that evil had happened to you *at work*. Your co worker or boss doing it to you in the office. Or imagine it happens to you at the supermarket.. the dude in produce stacking vegies perpetrates these evils on you right there. OR a complete stranger comes up to and does so, in the supermarket. Well guess what.. IT WOULD BE ON THE NEWS THAT NIGHT. Everyone who was in the supermarket that day would be scarred from witnessing it, people would cry and have to talk over what they saw. People would RESCUE you if they saw that evil being perpetrated on you in the supermarket!! Even if it wasn’t assault, if some stranger started screaming abuse in your face while you were backed against a wall in the supermarket people would be aghast.
But. This doesn’t happen at home. It’s not just the woman who is abused who doesn’t feel that outrage, a lot of other people make excuses as well and turn away when the abuser is a partner. It’s incredible that evil is perceived as less bad when you are that persons goods and chattel. That’s what it comes down to IMHO.
So great to see you again, Arietty! Just wanted to say that before reading the rest of your comment.
Ah, Claire, Arietty and Rebecca.
We are groomed, most of us, all of our lives to accept abusive relationships as, or to identify them as, “love.” When sex (or in your situation, Rebecca, rape) is included, everything is horrifically more complex and difficult on every level, spiritually, emotionally, physically, intellectually. I can, after many, many years of hard work, identify the way my trauma/betrayal bonding is factoring in to some response or reaction I am having to someone or something. But that doesn’t change the fact of my having the response in the first place, having to do what I need to do to lessen the response, get past it (for me, walking, running, physical activity, focusing kinds of activities, reminding myself of past abuse). In other words, recognizing what’s going on intellectually doesn’t make it go away. That takes hard work, usually years of it, for those of us who have experienced years and decades of trauma. Of course, on top of all of it is the rage and grief that accompany the deepening recognition of the way we expended our beautiful, loving, hopeful, innocent energies and time with people who abused us.
One interesting thing. That list up there? That’s what fundamentalist religions of various kinds teach women that they should be if they want to please god. Every last item.
Thanks for your response.
I think that recovering from the mental abuse is one the hardest thing in the world.
Abusers placed lies into our heads - they make you lose who are.
When there is no exit, of course it is understandable to “love” an abuser, for me that is not weakness but it necessary to survive with some sanity.
What is very, very hard that many of the lies and fake-love that abusers use to control goes very deep, and make life outside of the abuse terrifying.
It has taken me years to know that love is not about abuse. That sex can be kind. That I do not need to be detached every time I hear the word “love”.
I have had to learn through hard work to not be with men that treat me like dirt. Learn that I much more than a sex object.
Yes, I may of left that life.
But every day I fight their lies, and fight to fall back into having men who will harm me.
That entire list sums up the underlying problems women have to deal with all the time. What really angers me is that so much of women’s youth is wasted with these loser/abusers–often when the young women have no defenses to handle what’s out there.
It also explains the massive dysfunction (for lack of a better word) that gets into lesbian groups. Abuse of lesbians is so off the charts– the rapes, the sexual abuse of girls… since lesbians tend to be more honest about their lives when talking to each other, these truths come out.
Healing takes hard work, but preventive work would be more effective. It’s why every young woman out there needs to read this blog and comment regularly, so that the evil of men, their terrorist tactics and strategies can be fully understood before the young women even get involved with these souless pigs. We need to teach girls how to report the abuse, and educate mothers in how to believe their daughters, and we need to get better records so that men who do this are reported, ostracized and so women know the names. Men can be kicked out of the world of women entirely, jailed forever, and programs can be put in place so that rape gets convicted 100% of the time, and that the law becomes so harsh on men that they fear ever looking at women the wrong way. No more boys will be boys! I don’t even think young girls should be around most men period, unless they check out…
Satsuma you are so truth speaking about young women. My older daughters are 21 and 19 and I spent the high school years of the eldest one feeling helpless at the utter pieces of trash their peers ran after.. the acceptance of horrible treatment. All my oldest daughters peers ended up pregnant in high school by some turd who is now out of the picture and they are busy running after fresh turds. All these girls had one thing in common, an intense NEED for male attention and validation. They would hate each other’s guts over some utter low life male. I had to think about this a lot, with my friends as well because I was born without the gene that needs male attention, I only ever felt like that once in my life and I think I had been drinking too much.
Anyway.. I have been thinking of late how after living with the evil abuser for years my daughters and myself have all ended up with extremely passive men. Both my daughters have told me that they have never seen their partners get mad about anything. I have seen my partner get mad to the point of yelling about 3 times in our 5 year marriage and it was always about something political he was reading. One of my daughter’s partners is an idiot, thinks very highly of himself and very badly of other people but never expresses any of it aggressively. His own father was an abuser and his response to any aggressive situation is to retreat. The other daughter’s boyfriend seems to be a genuinely nice space cadet eccentric, works hard but owns nothing, lives in his own world and is kind of disconnected from stuff. He grew up in a cult but has a very loving relationship with his parents who have since left the cult. My own partner grew up in a fundamentalist christian household and has learned on a very deep level not to assert himself because it will be met with guilt and preaching.
Sorry that above paragraph was all about men.. but it was really about women because I have found myself wondering is this the next stage? From abusers to the utterly passive? Because it is weird that all three of us have ended up like that.
My oldest daughter gets very angry about feminist issues but has trouble putting any of it into practice in the workplace or home. She is good at yelling and articulating but she can’t seem to follow through with action. We are working on a sexual harassment issue right now with her workplace–the harassment is from customers, not employers. My younger daughter has never put up with any crap from anyone and has always had her own mind and never run after men in any way. This has been a natural part of her personality since birth.
Thanks for the very informative post. I intend to re-read it whenever I’m tempted to return to the message board where I’ve been abused for being a freethinking woman for two years now.
I know that some religions are abusive in nature but I think that God has offered you and others as support for me today, to give me a reason and an understanding of my unhealthy connection to evil, cruel people. I’ve also received more requests for my company IRL, today, that normally happens in a month. This configuation of events may be accidental but I don’t think so.
I’ll be back. Thank you, again.
Arietty,
Your words provide a window into a world I can hardly comprehend.
Maybe the world has changed just too much for me to get a grasp of all of this.
Changed too much? Has there ever been a time when women haven’t accepted men treating them in ways they would never let their friends treat them? I don’t think it’s changed at all, other than for the better in that we now have a language to use to educate young women about these matters.
Or perhaps I misunderstand what you are saying.
Arietty, I simply meant that I was unsure of what the world was like for young straight women these days. I do know we have a solid language to describe these attrocities, but then again, there was a huge movement against girl sexual abuse, spousal abuse, and the sexual abuse of women in general in the 19th century. When radical feminism of the 19th century was derailed by the “sex positive” gang — Havlock Ellis and Co. (translation, men trying to make more and more women sexually available to men), we were in trouble the first time around.
All I know, is that twice a year or so, for the past 15 years, I have been lecturing at local high schools on money management. Just the basics, and I teach the kids how to use credit and checking accounts. I’ve even taken on a few interns over the summer, and helped them apply to some community colleges. Just small stuff, but if I see very bright girls who speak up, I give them extra encouragement. Teachers and guidance counselors asked me to do this, and it kind of caught on. With every passing year, I became more and more alarmed at how rotten the boys acted, how I actually witnessed them silencing the girls, and also the girls wore sexier and sexier clothing, and just would dumb down over and over again. Finally, about three years ago, I asked if I could teach for all girls classes, because they boys were just too rotten, and I didn’t want to deal with them. We’ve done this a few times, and it’s a million times better. The girls are very beaten down (mostly Latinas in our neighborhood– and it’s an ethnic group that really is hostile to women’s independence of any kind). Still the decline in girl confidense is a direct result of the over sexualization of young girls, and the heterosexual ideology of every American high school I have ever visited. Since I’ve been a feminist for so long now, I just see these patterns repeating over and over again, and the erasure going on 24/7. I often wonder where the parental outrage is at the treatment of girls in the boy - gang infested places. Again, I can only speak to what I see within a 10 block radius of my house.
I find most teenage male behavior so repulsive, I simply can’t fathom the attraction, but then I really hated teenager boys when I was in that age group, so who knows.
It must be heartbreaking for mothers to see the bad choices girls are making, and yet have so little social power over the overt pornification of young girls. Think Hannah Montana and that vile Vanity Fair cover! Taken by lesbian photographer Annie Leibowitz…yikes, what was she thinking! Shame on her!
As I said before, I am sad at the wasted youth of young girls, the missed academic life, the lack of mentors, the horrifying job opportunities, the expense of college, the poverty and despair of large urban places, the vicious racism… But again, there wasn’t the huge mega-billion indoctrination machine known as entertainment industry/ media manipulation in play 24/7 when I was younger. In fact, we didn’t even have a TV until I was about 10, and my childhood memories are truly my own, and not some creation of Disney. This did make an extraordinary difference in my life, my mind not colonized by TV before I could read, think and defend myself against it. Parents could seriously think of keeping this stuff away from their children longer, I don’t know, but it might help to build stronger mental resistence among girls, that and martial arts training in all girls classes would really help too. Martial arts builds great physical confidense in girls.
Satsuma I did not realize there was a movement against sexual and spousal abuse in the 19nth century, that is very interesting and I hope read that history. I will say that I have been confused as to what the hell has happened.. when I was a teenager in the 70’s my peers were always ready to denounce sexism. If a boy had spoken to us in the language that is the vernacular of Myspace we would have died from shock and then we would have screamed blue murder against it, screamed at the boy, screamed at the school system, screamed to every other female about what a pig he was. Freedom to express has evolved into freedom to abuse and to my perception much has been lost. I am on a variety of topic specific forums that attract young women and my experience is that there is NO understanding of sexism at all. They don’t get what you are talking about AT ALL when you try and bring that to the table. Their idea of women’s rights is women’s rights to fuck who they want. I have painstakingly, using non-feminist terms, tried to build young women up to the understanding of the dynamics behind their complaints about partners, work places etc..
When I was a teenager I thought that all the advances feminists had made were amazing and women were only going to go from strength to strength. I imagined a whole new society gradually emerging, continuing to emerge from what I (then) thought of as a 50’s mentality (because we demonized the 50’s at that time). Now I look at young women and just am in shock. Yes WE missed the boat, a generation who recognized the most simple term of “sex object” as a dehumanizing and destructive thing somehow failed to pass this on to the next generation. Yes we can blame the entertainment industry but somewhere along the line the watchdog mentality was eroded and this whole pornified mindset was allowed to take over.
So I naively ask: how did the rise and rise of the pornification of young women happen without an equally powerful rise against it? Because no one cares any more, the term “sex object” is seen as a cute thing. Yeah, go to Myspace, everyone wants to be a sex object now.
How did this happen? When women advance, men fight back with everything they’ve got. There was a move on the part of men to create the sexual fevolution of the 1920s. All women should read the history of women worldwide. There’s no exuse now, the books are out there by the thousands. You can even audit women’s studies classes for free now at many universities. Women should know 19th century feminism inside and out, and how male tactics were outwitted or succumbed to. In the early teens before the first World War, a militant feminist movement was in the land, and it attempted to actually critique and regulate male sexuality.
When religion failed to keep women in line, science took over.
Patriarchy is clever. I don’t have children myself, but I do know that the goal of the birth control establishment was also about men having as much sexual access to women and girls as possible. There was no critique of male sexuality in and of itself, no brutal punishment for men who stepped out of line. No automatic death penalty for rape or child abuse. Why weren’t these crimes punished brutally and swiftly?
I don’t know why young girls have sex with boys, since this just repulses me. I do know that parents in general seem to have less and less time to be with their children, because of longer work hours. I don’t know many young mothers who really try to give their girls a political education in the first place. If the mothers don’t know the history of the women’s movement, how can they tell these stories to the daughters?
Patriarchy is always trying to destroy the women’s movement, and it tries to rewrite history as well. They make up the reasons for the sexual revolution of the 1920s, just as they invent reasons for women to tolerate male sexual out of controlness today.
The answer yet again, is to rebuild the radical wing of feminism, to counter argue on MySpace, and to educate young men that they don’t have a right to do anything they want to do to girls. Girls have to be trained how to resist the creeps and preditors out there.
And all MySpace girls need to be directed to feminist websites where they can hear the real thing.
I have never liked heterosexual role playing or its narrow confines. I can’t imagine why women would ever marry men in the first place if they expected to be free. I can’t imagine how men can blatantly call women inferior, and women just sit there and listen to this stuff. I can’t imagine it. Because to this day, I still call men on the carpet for making degrading comments about women, and sometimes the only thing that works is for me to twist their arms behind their backs and make them feel pain until they shut up. Sometimes (not often) it comes down to fighting back!
See recent Spanish film on this, “Take My Eyes” - it’s on Netflix. Warning, may trigger, etc. but it is a pretty smart film.
I spend enormous amounts of time and energy combing the internet, desperate for validation of my nightmarish experiences - to this very moment desperately searching for somebody, anybody to back me up. Because through it all - it can’t be just me. I can’t be the only one. That’s just not possible. So where are all the others?
In this moment, I found you - this blog, and this group of commentors. Right now, at this very moment in my life, you are backing me up. As all of you probably know too well, you get to a point where all you want is somebody to just agree that yes, what happened to you didn’t JUST happen to you. You’re not fundamentally worthless in some unique way, regardless of what The Monster said. I’m in the middle of a trauma response right now and thanks to the “Lioness Solidarity” here, I will go to work today and function. I have a victory in my pocket.
I was right, it’s not just me, which means yes - I really am normal. Just a normal person responding and coping with extraordinary things.
The Monster coerced, intimidated and forced me into sex by every means he could dream up. He brought “bdsm” into it BECAUSE I didn’t want to - because he couldn’t maintain an erection with a consenting partner. I was never “submissive” and the allegation always pissed me off - subjected, but never ever “submissive.” Nothing gave him greater pleasure than hurting me; refusing to react became my greatest, most consistent and most dangerous act of defiance. He considered screaming a form of foreplay; he laid down in front of the door; he took away my car keys, then my shoes to stop me from running away. He told everyone who would listen that we were married; often in the same conversation, he also told them I was a crazy demoness, an unholy banshee, a ten-breasted sow from Hades. Well, this just in: kisses do not turn toads into princes. Princesses, the toads will do pretty much anything to convince you otherwise.
I was 16 when we starting dating; I was 20 when I packed his suitcases for him and left him on a street corner 40 miles and 2 towns from my home. I was 21 the first time I sold myself in prostitution; I sacrificed my dignity, sexual identity and pawned some major part of my soul prostituting full-time to finance another, different abusive and exploitive boyfriend and numerous “friends” (all male) who were completely willing to exploit a woman in the most profound ways - then abandon her when she gets too troublesome (ie, cried too much.) I never abused drugs because I never got the chance though I actively wished countless times that “we” could “afford” drugs - just so I wouldn’t have to think about what was happening to me. What they were doing to me, and why. So I wouldn’t have the unforgiving reality that everyone around me was an utterly worthless food-tube parasitically affixed to me and dragging me down to the blackest, iciest depths of the sea perpetually reinforcing my position at the bottom of the food chain.
It went on until I was 26 - almost 27. The happiest months of my life were that handful during which I was blissfully single, allowed to exist. A friend of mine - just seperated and divorcing from her perfectly normal (read: typically exploitative and subconsciously misogynistic) husband - is suddenly going through the exact same giddy liberation. The uncontainable joy that comes from no longer being constantly denied permission to exist - she’s giddy with the reality that permission is no longer the deciding factor of her existance.
That’s why young women seek out these worthless males: lack of world experience combined with pure biology when our bodies tell us to go mate. Males catch us like birds in nets, then put us in cages and swallow the key. We’ve spent our entire lives being told by our parents that women should be independant and the Bible doesn’t even name women except when they die badly; by the schools that we’re just as important as boys but they get away with assaulting and raping us in the locker rooms anyway; by the government that even though we have a right to privacy and autonomy, our bodies are still entirely public property and our free will has nothing to do with what can and can not happen to said public property.
Lionesses, don’t blame the girls. That’s how males like it - because a male can’t even cope with the reality of a group of women walking together (why do girls travel in “packs?” To keep males away. Obviously. ^_^ ) Don’t let them trick you into blaming us, any of us. You should know - it’s very difficult to extract yourself from an ongoing abusive situation when you have to start by figuring out what exactly “self-respect” means.
I’m still working on it. And this blog, these comments, your validation and support and experiences - this was just what I’ve been searching for so desperately.
Thank you, all the Lionesses here and ever. ^_^
sw, I rejoice with you in your victory!
Thank goddess that you escaped SW! Don’t ever give up!!!!
Abuse of women and girls is NEVER normal!! It is always evil!!
sw, I am enraged over what you’ve had to endure, good god. I am SO GLAD you got out. You didn’t deserve one second of any of the hell you describe– thanks for trusting us with your story, your reality, that’s what it’s all about. I am so glad you found support here!
With Deep Respect,
Heart
Wow,
After reading all these stories and blogs and researching about the behaviors of an abusive husband, I’m finally starting to feel human and normal. For 11 years I was married to a man who is active duty military. I’ve been with him since I was 16 years old, and have 2 children with him. 3 years ago, he belittled me, threw objects at me, whaled at the top of his lungs in my face where I could feel the spit for hours on end and at one time, I actually ended up going to the hospital for a borderlined stroke. I was told on a daily basis how it’s always my fault for him always being angry and how he would have never done the things he did if I didn’t do this, this or this. I was convinced no matter what I did, no matter what I said, the turmoil in this marriage was my fault. He was the victim. I went as far as sending him 100 dollars worth of roses one day to his work with an apology letter after he gave me a half hour lecture about why this marriage was over and how everything that’s happened the last few years has been my fault. How I was such a horrible wife, and how I emotionally entrapped him when I wanted to spend what little time we had together, or asked him for help with little things around the house or asking him for help when I couldn’t pick the kids up from daycare after I got my job in corrections. Almost 3 years ago, I made a leap and applied to the state prison and got hired. He verbally encouraged me to do this, however put me in impossible positions with finding daycare, or picking the kids up from daycare at the time he told the provider he was going to do so. Being military, we were constantly moving around and I was always unaware of my resources so I could work too and not be isolated in my own home. He told me in the heat of one argument if I walked out that door he would cut me off on finances and if I wanted any money at all I would have to get my own job (even though the BAH was mine and the kids anyway) and that I was smart enough to figure out how to find daycare. I had been secluded for years with no friends or family to help me raise my 2 small children and this was his way of keeping me grounded. No childcare, no help with finding childcare…I didn’t even know HOW to look for childcare, nor know how to pay for it being I had no access to the funds except upon his deployment. Everytime he deployed, I gained control back of the finances and always dug our way out of the financial strain he always left this family in when he would leave, just so when he got back, he would always change the info on his direct deposit and have it sent somewhere else so it stopped coming into “our” account. Once he regained control of the finances again after coming home, he would put us in another financial bind. I had no control so I never knew why we were always in debt, never saw what he was buying and with the amount of money that I knew was coming in, I had no clue why we were always broke. On several occasions, he would start arguments that would normally lead to police coming to the house or me going to the hospital for self destruction and then he would disappear for days at a time and leave us with nothing.
When I finally got my job in corrections, I was given classes on understanding how the criminal mind works and I woke up. He had me convinced for years that all this was my fault and I was the one that was sick. I was on every pill in the book trying to level out my mood swings and feelings of depression and anger. After I got my job, he took countless steps manipulating the childcare provider (IE telling them he would be there at a certain time to pick the kids up and never showed, constantly writing them hot checks, etc) in order to put me in a bad situation until they finally got thrown out of childcare and I was back at square one, but found another childcare provider and got lucky so I could continue to have my own job and money. When I went to the Corrections Academy for 3 weeks, this was planned out months in advance and he promised he would support me. In my 2nd week at the academy, he dropped the kids off at daycare and disappeared. I didn’t know he was gone until 4 days into daycare when the provider called me at the academy to tell me my daughter was sick. I didn’t even know he had left. He’s used excuses like “You hate my job, and I’m looking out for your best interests in not telling you when I have to leave”, or “Sometimes I have to leave without telling you because I have to go on a secret mission” (which in these cases it’s policy for someone in their chain of command to contact the wife)
He used his job to cover up his absence from this family, always reminded me how hard he worked to financially provide for us and when I got upset feeling neglected he would throw a tantrum and call me every name in the book telling me I never had any respect for him.
3 days after our 11th wedding anniversery, he packed his things and left all of us…..our 2 children and myself and left me with nothing. I had to work full time, pick and drop off the kids at daycare and try to pay for all our finances on my check alone while in this time did whatever it was that he was doing. When I asked him for money to help with, he said “If it’s in God’s will for you to get child support, you will. If you don’t, it’s something you and the kids will have to learn to accept.” I filed for divorce with my tax return, paid for it in full and sent him the papers. I transfered my job recently to another city and got approved to buy my first house big enough for my children and I upon the divorce decree. He knew this and when he was sent the papers, he stalled as long as he could and even admitted to me the reason he did so was that he knew that I wanted to fight because I had no respect for him and that this is what “I” wanted. Because of this, I almost lost the house. He wasn’t there in court for the divorce, I did that alone too. When I texted him to tell him the divorce was finalized, he told me to send him the papers. I told him he was a big boy and he could pick up his own divorce papers at the court. He told me that it was MY responsiblity because I was the one that filed for divorce. I tried going to his command with his actions, but everything was covered up. My only family besides my children are my mother and father 1500 miles away and my mother is paralyzed from the neck down from an auto accident back in 95. They are a million dollars in debt from medical bills so I did what I had to do to financially survive and take care of my children. It’s 6 months later now, and I own my own house, am getting child support from child support enforcement garnishing his wages. I’ve been in corrections now for almost 3 years with 2 positive action reports for successful cell extractions. I’ve gone back to church and I talk to God everyday. The kids are happier and I’m still grieving, but getting better by the day. I found out last night he’s already remarried and to the one he was having an affair with for the last 2 years of our marriage. I’m still paying for debts he left me in their entirety because legal services state that even though my divorce decree states that I’m only responsible for half the debt, he’s active duty military and sent collections a cease and desist letter a while ago to wash his hands of “our” debts that accumulated that I knew nothing about until he left. He skated through what he did to us with no reprecussions from his chain of command, in fact, he’s been given several awards for being an outstanding recruiter and service member and he even got promoted. I’m the evil one who took off with his kids. There’s nothing I can do, or could have done to hold him accountable for his actions because I never filed assault charges on him, and with the military, they tend to keep things covered up to protect their reputation with their more “honorable” service members.
My children and I were abandoned and left to rott, but I fought as hard as I could to get to where I am today and I never could have gotten my head on straight without the Lord and my training in corrections. I thank God everyday for being where I am now. It’s not my fault, it’s not my childrens fault and I pitty his new wife that he waited a whole 2 weeks to marry after our divorce he couldn’t even show up in court for. Thank you for helping me see some perspective to this situation and that’s it’s NOT my fault,
ganderson
ganderson, before I respond to your incredible comment, I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed going to your Grand Pyrenees website! I love these dogs! My beautiful Alaskan Malamute, Chloe, died almost two years ago, and I haven’t yet been ready to get another dog (also, I have an adult daughter staying with me right now, and she has a chihuahua mix, very territorial!). But when I get a dog I am hoping to get — possibly anyway — a Grand Pyrenees. I raise sheep and have had problems with dogs and coyotes and as I’m sure you know, these animals are amazing sheep protectors. They are also so loving, beautiful and just amazing all around. So thanks again for the treat of going to your website.
I am sitting here with tears in my eyes having read your story. YOU ARE AMAZING. What you have managed to accomplish in the context of such incredible struggle and so many obstacles takes my breath away. Thank you for posting your story here. I believe *every word of it*. What you have described is what abusive men do every single day to their partners and most of the time, they get away with it and everyone thinks they are just great, great guys. And they are– to everyone except their wives and usually, their kids.
CONGRATULATIONS to you! For:
* Getting out;
* Getting a good job that supports you and your kids;
* Buying a house;
* Hiring an attorney;
* Getting a divorce;
* Making a new life for yourself.
It sounds to me like you did this just about on your own, with almost no help, maybe with no help at all that you didn’t pay for, by the sheer force of your own will and determination. THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
It is just amazing what you have managed to do! So many women never make it out of the horrible, soul-destroying, life-destroying enslavement you have described so powerfully.
I wish you every good and wonderful thing in your life! Good friends, good books, great conversations, good love, satisfying work, deep connections of every kind. You deserve it all! I assume that you are a Christian — forgive me if I’m wrong — but I’m thinking of the line in your holy book where God gave an oppressed and battered tribe of people the promise that He would restore to them the “years that the locust had eaten.” I pray this for you and believe that it will happen for you.
I am *so sorry* and enraged over all you suffered at the hands of this abusive, cowardly fool of a husband you were married to. You didn’t deserve it, your kids didn’t deserve it, thank God, you got out.
There are two really, really good books that you might enjoy as you rebuild your life. One is entitled, It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence by Meg Dugan. The other is entitled Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life, by Ginny NiCarthy. Both of these books are EXCELLENT and will give you (and through you,your kids) wonderful support as you work to recover from all you’ve been through. It’s My Life Now is particularly so good so far as helping you to recover from the trauma you’ve experienced.
Again, thank you for your inspiring story and for posting it here. You are amazing.
Respect,
Heart
The kids are happier and I’m still grieving, but getting better by the day.
Just one more thought– I know how real that grief is (and how ashamed we can feel about grieving when we know we were being abused). The books I mentioned will help. Another wonderful help to you would be a counselor who specializes in working with women who have been traumatized. Know that you are not alone. There are millions and millions of us who struggle as you do, but we are rebuilding our lives every day, successfully, mostly invisibly.
Heart
I want to also say that those of us who have been abused and traumatized as you and I have can struggle with the effects of traumatic bonding in all of our relationships — with friends, bosses, family members. The anxiety we feel in the presence of abusive people is real and painful, and there’s a learning curve for us as we practice withdrawing our energies from people who want to use/dominate/exploit/bully/harm us (instead of going back to those behaviors in that list at the top of the page, things we did trying to stave off the next incidence of abuse, trying to protect ourselves and our kids (and of course, this never worked)). I wish you wonderful friends who support you as you move beyond the horrors of traumatic bonding, which I believe that you will, you are clearly a very strong woman!
Thank you, thank you, thank you… for a place to be heard and for all of your honest stories.
I have been searching - and bumping my nose a lot - for a place to learn and grow and heal and ‘do the work’ so many talk about.
After almost 23 years of marriage, someone put Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That?” into my hands and I began to wake up. My copy of the book is highlighted so much, as I realized my wonderful, charming ‘Christian’ husband was, in fact, an abuser… that I have bought new copies to give to anyone needing to read the book. My own is now more like a journal of my life.
My four children are reeling so badly in the aftermath of a divorce this past October, that the symptoms of my own ‘traumatic bonding’ are pretty frightening. The mother in me is still tempted to go back… not really, and especially since my bed is now very occupied by the new wife he married five weeks after our divorce. That was a mercy in disguise, because there were many nights when the car wanted so badly to drive a few more miles up to the home I left behind… a disaster in the making.
We were missionaries overseas, most of those years of marriage. No amount of ’submission’ was enough. No blood, or even ’significant’ physical violence occurred back then. Plenty of ‘damage control’ and good letter-writing, on my part, to churches and friends in the States, carefully omitting marital issues. For a blog like this, my situation could sound tame, and for many years I wondered aloud to a friend, how I could possibly appear at any shelter, since his emotional and psychological abuse was so well hidden. I was sure I would not “qualify”, when there were women out there with bruises to prove their wounding.
Eventually, with support from a group of “Wonderful Women” (support group for spouses of men with ADHD - the only label I had for his unusual behavior) I took 10 pages describing my husband’s double-life to my church leaders, begging them not to send us back. I am not sure they were convinced of my sanity, since he is so very charismatic and convincing, and I looked and sounded pretty crazy… but it ended our career as missionaries.
Without much warning, we moved - another decision taken without including the other five members of his family - and a little country church became our home. I asked for help from the senior pastor, who cried, and prayed with me. I asked for help from the youth pastor, after my 16-year-old daughter threatened suicide, and he met with her. When I asked for his help again, after a marital argument turned ugly, assuring him I knew the pattern of physical violence would only escalate, he prayed with me and sadly informed me the church could not get involved legally. Finally, and without my prompting, that church woke up and did involve legal help, banning him from stepping onto the premises.
The youth pastor and church administrator helped me find a little one room place to live, the first time I fled the home, 3 kids in tow. Predictably, I returned, six tough weeks later, wanting to “work on the marriage under the same roof.” (after how many dozens of marriage counselors over the years?!) Kids cried with relief, a new wedding ring (his - why did I not see that lost ring as significant?!) was bought, and the emotional abuse abated for about a week. Then it tripled, again predictably, to new levels, and my extended family began pleading with me to “do something… for the sake of the kids, if nothing else.”
Law enforcement came to our door twice, but I could prove nothing, and they insisted I had to have a charge. “He locks you out - he has to lock you in…” was the unforgettable reply from one policeman.
I am now healing. I work as an RN in pediatric ICU, and keep my private life separate from my professional life. My daughter is pregnant, after living with a man who scares me in his easily-recognizable resemblance to her father. My eldest son has been let down by his father and returned too many times to count. He is floundering in his attempts to find his place in the world. My youngest son has been living with his father and stepmother and just returned there, after being ‘kicked out’ by his father for the second time this year. And I live with one survivor, a beautiful 17-year-old daughter, who constantly amazes me in her “Who-are-you and-how-did-you-survive-in-this-family?” life…
The story is not yet over. We are in the eye of the storm, at present, it seems, since my husband continues to attempt to control me from afar, using my youngest child as his pawn. I keep hearing the dreaded, “Check!” through his invisible moves… but so far, the whispered threat of “Check mate!” has not come to be. Sites like this one, and good books are helping me confirm that, in spite of the wreckage strewn around me, and lost dreams for a happy, homeschooling, Christian family where we all love each other, and belong to God… His plans for my life are good, and I will be able to give from my pain, in ways I had never imagined.
Thank you for reading, and for the book recommendations…
“Healing…”
I will say that this site does help. No one I’ve talked to, not even a therapist can really get to the core of what I put myself through, saying that now is healing, because I was free to leave, but was “in love” and didn’t. What’s more, it was my place. I could have asked her to go too.
I’m still learning how to have normal relationships; funny, I started dating women because men screwed me up so much; and then found a woman years later who did the same. I won’t say its all bad, but when did I end and she begin? Its been 5 months now since the experience and I can say that what it taught me, after a job loss, loss of home, etc. is that I’m lucky that I got out with my life. I haven’t been seeking relationships so much as now I’m just working on having good people in my life. Its hard to stop the abuse of prescription meds I am on that she was also on that made her psychotic. I feel like letting go of it would be letting go of her; and what’s worse is that I still feel connected. People say cut the cord, release and forgive…but after such a profound experience of love and light, then fear and doubt; it was very difficult to untangle my problems from hers; to love myself more than I loved her; to not put all my eggs in one basket, rather reserve that basket for myself (and my girls). I have a hard time just excusing it as a lesson. It defined me in many ways, took me apart and then put me back together. I am a changed person that now I need to spend some time getting to know.
Despite all the therapy, I looked up the definition of happiness, kindred soul, soul mate… I redefined what love is… and what it is not. I’ve started my spiritual journey and I seek souls with light around them not to share my story, but to feel safe again.
So thank you for sharing your experiences… all of your wisdom helped; nothing else seems to… I just don’t want to lose more because I’m stuck with the aftermath. Simply put, I have to take care of me first.
One thing I’m constantly thankful for, is that this forum allows ppl to share what they’ve experienced and what they’ve been through.
I recently put myself into therapy attempting to make some sense of the confusion, pain and anger I am feeling. I have been in therapy since January, and one thing I’ve realized is that it is SO hard for me to hear positive feedback about myself. Sounds crazy but many of you can relate to that as well.
You know I never ever took into account that part of why I am the way I am is a result of years of trauma and abuse as a child. I maintain that, for me, the worst kind of abuse is mental and verbal… it takes such a toll on ur heart, and ur mind, and ur soul as well.
I grew up basically in a single parent home… my father was there, but meh, he wasn’t there as well. He has substance abuse problems and was constantly doing things that put not only himself in danger, but also my mom, me and my younger sisters. I said to my mother just the other day that our family would’ve been better off had we never known he existed. My father has 10 children, and hasn’t taken care of a damn one of us. smh even writing this is hard for me, but i really feel like I have to, in order to help myself.
I grew up watching my mother struggle, watching her cry over the last cup of flower and the last egg trying to cook for her children. I remember my father disappearing for 4-7 days at a time, and returning to my mothers tears and cries of anguish and utter defeat. Why? Because he stole her bank card and spent “every fuckin dime, that’s right every last dime”… he would always say that to her with pride and hatred that she was able to work. When I was much younger, we were on welfare because mom wasn’t able to find child care, and he hasn’t worked a legit job since i can ever remember. She worked her ass off and some how found a way to go to school, and get back to work… and it seems like he couldn’t stand it. He liked it better when she was on welfare, i remember hearing him disparage her (note at this point in my life i was around 5-6 y/o) on the phone she paid for to his friends and family “just a lazy welfare recipient, won’t get off her ass and work” while he drank juice she bought for us with her welfare check, and ate food bought with the same. I remember after he stole her money, eating nothing but peanut butter… something I hate with a passion to this day. I remember my aunt coming over with bags and bags of food and my mother collapsing in her arms crying tears of thanks and shame that she “couldn’t provide” for her children. It’s not that she couldn’t, it’s more that he made it DAMN impossible for her to…
In my teens, mom relied on me to care for my younger sisters, to help them with homework, make sure they didn’t kill one another lol and basically be jr mom while she worked. What was he doing as she worked? Hanging out like a teenaged boy with his friends, drinking, getting high and celebrating how good his life was. He did everything in his POWER to destroy my mother, and in many ways he succeeded. He hated me, I was the strong one, I was the one, and still am, who wouldn’t just take his shit! I would tell him he was wrong, even at 11 and 12 years old, to his face. I would put in his face how we’re suffering because he wouldn’t work.. how I had to get HIS CHILDREN from the busstop helping them with homework… how I didn’t know what it meant to be a child myself for having to pick up his lack.
I began to resent my mother… I blamed her for not being strong. I prayed that God would make her stronger, desperately wanting and needing her to leave him. Daily I’d point out how she didn’t need him! She had her degree, was making a decent wage and didn’t need his chump change… he always took it back anyway, I’d say to her. She was almost always angry at me, and at that time in my life I thought it was because she WANTED him to do this… because she didn’t want to be better. I realize now her anger was more so at me making her face her pain, which isn’t easy for ANY of us. Not to mention my young age at the time seeing things she wished me not to see.
I remember mom wanting to buy a house… I remember her saving for one. She was so proud and looking at different homes. He would brag on the phone about how his “old lady is buyin us a house” and how good he had it. “You got it goin on man” ppl would tell him. Yeah he had it SO GOING ON that whatever she saved he would wait till she was sleeping and go binge it on drugs… she was devastated. At that time I hated him for robbing us the way he did. I began to pray that the next time he disappeared, he wouldn’t return…
I was unfortunate as a young girl to begin puberty early… by the time I was 11 I was already a b cup… I was tormented for the way my body looked, sexually harassed by the boys in school. I remember one of the smaller children letting a ball go too far, I went to go and help them retrieve it. I remember 5 boys surrounding me and beating me to the ground so they could fondle me…. I remember the principal at my school dismissing them when my parents brought me to her showing her my bruises and explaining how i just cried and screamed all night… the principal dismissed them because she felt that elementary aged children couldn’t possibly understand how serious their actions were. Those boys lost recess for a week, today I live with those memories…. I paid for that day much longer than they did, it shaped my view of myself, and was a large contributing factor to a poor body image. From that day forward I dressed in boys clothes, everything had to be baggy, and large so as to hide my hips, breasts and thighs. I remember my father being angry that his daughter was treated that way… I remember that being the only time I ever felt like he gave a damn.
I could go on and on… but I completely identify with all of the bullet points made here. I actually began to cry dispite myself reading through this one Heart… I created this hard exterior to protect myself from the shit I had to endure as a child… my father never ever did anything in any sexual way to harm me, for that I am most grateful. I think that is the only good thing I can say he ever did for me as a daughter. However, inviting one’s male friends over, then passing out in the livingroom leaving 3 or so drunken, inebriated men in your house, with your unprotected/unsuspecting daughters in my book constitutes as putting us in harms way sexually. I would put my sisters in one room, and sit outside the door so no one got in. the comments I heard about my body I will never forget… their hungry eyes scanning my frame, I had never felt more dirty in my life.
I am totally numb still, all these years later, to all of this. It is all horrific, but I only know that because others have said it. I have experienced, and do experience every single point made here:
• They obsess about people who have hurt them, even when those people are long gone.
• They continue to seek contact with people who they know will cause them further pain.
• They go overboard to continue to help people who have been destructive to them.
SURE DO! For some reason I am still nice to my father… it would be one thing if all of his short comings were a thing of my past, but he continues to be selfish, self serving, today. He is still married to my mother, but living off of another woman. His entire life he has lived off of one woman or another. First at home with his mother, then his first wife, then my mother, and now this woman. He doesn’t have a job, he has never had a legitimate job….
• They continue on as a team member even when it is obvious things have become destructive.
Yep sure do, tried to get him employment working in my building… he failed the drug test. I put my name, rep, and standing with this company on the line, and he waltzed his sorry ass in there and took the test knowing full well he’d just gotten high. When the results came back, the hiring manager pulled me to the side, thank God, to tell me about the high levels of coccain in his system and how they couldn’t hire him. I nearly fainted I was so overwhelmed with hurt, shock, anger, disappointment, and shame. I was angry at myself for sticking my neck out there for him more than I was angry at him for putting MY JOB in jeapordy. Probably because I wasn’t surprised that he would do it… nothing is more important than him.
• They continue to attempt to get people to like them who are clearly using them.
Huh… do I ever… and why?
• They continue to trust untrustworthy people.
Yep, even with friendships. It’s unfortunate too… I’m so sympathetic to other women and what we all go through, so I’m an easy target for this type of abuse. Just broke a 8 year friendship with someone who has hated me from day 1.
• They are unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships.
yes
• They choose to stay in situations of conflict even though it would cost them nothing to walk away.
Yes…
• They keep trying to be understood by people who clearly don’t care.
This made me cry so hard….. and at first I just didn’t understand why but I get it… I really do.
• They are willing to keep damaging secrets about exploitation and abuse.
Not anymore! I won’t do this to myself ANYMORE!
• They stay in contact with abusers who acknowledge no responsibility.
Honestly I cannot go much further than this… it hurts too much.
I’m sorry for the length… but I honestly needed to get that out. I’ve held on to it TOO long and this is, surprisingly, one space where i feel safe to do so.
Pretty Wings, for now, just crying with you for a moment.
Heart
Maybe we could change the world
Because if we all cried at the same time
Our tears would flood the earth
Forcing our abusers to open their eyes and see
To feel the years of pain
Inflicted upon us all
In ignorance, on purpose
ON PURPOSE through ignorance
If they struggled in an ocean of our tears
They couldn’t turn their heads
Couldn’t ignore the plight of the “other”
Maybe we could change the world
Because if we all cried at the same time
Tonight another woman’s life
We’d save from the pain
And the shame of another hit
To her face… save her from the hit
To her veins to stave off the sting of his hand
Her cheek enflamed
And her eyes heavy with tears
More swollen through the years
Of unheard sobs and unseen tear’s
To her soul
Maybe we could change the world
Because if we all cried at the same time tonight
This is for you mother, sister, auntie, daughter, friend
We wouldn’t have to fight
Under the weight of oppression
Wide Ocean welling and swelling
Procession of tears repression of fears
Maybe we really could change the world
If we all cried at the same time
I had to post this… if any of you are familiar with spoken word poetry, this would make sense to you then.
Heart thank you… as u can see I dont sleep nights. I had to call my mother and THANK HER for her strength and sacrifices… for enduring and not allowing him to break her soul. Of course somewhere at the root of it all is God and church… had it not been for both, she’d have gotten rid of him and not married him, but i also believe she would’ve cracked too. Faith truly is the substance of things hoped for… As much as it hurt her, and us, it also helped. Bitter sweet, always.
I’m determined to get through this, and to not just go about taking this ANYMORE! And it’s only through telling what happened, talking about the abuse and the trauma, and calling them what they are, that healing and forgiveness and closure will come.
Oh, Pretty Wings. There’s so much to respond to in your amazing comments, your beautiful poetry, and I will respond. I’m going through some deep, deep waters right now on several levels and am not doing so well. For now, know how deeply your writings move and inspire me. You are a powerful, powerful writer.
Much love,
Heart
Well it is just straight hell on earth right now, Heart. Maybe it’s something in the atmosphere… not sure but man is it hard.
When I was in church I was taught that the only way for me to heal was to forgive my father. I fought with myself not to talk about it, or protest, and to honestly try and forgive him. Then he’d just do something else… I was told that the Bible instructs us to forgive 70×7 and that it means to keep on forgiving. Whenever I asked about where the accountability was for the person I’m forgiving, I was told not to question God. That usually meant I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about kid go away.
Today, this month, probably this year, I’m struggling with my faith in God and my claim of being a christian. I don’t know what to do… the more we uncover my trauma in therapy the more I realize that what I did in “obeying God” was repress ALL of the trauma I experienced. I internalized it as if it were MY FAULT that my father, and mother she isn’t innocent though i do understand, made a series of choices that negatively effected me. I internalized the abuse I saw at home, and thought it was my fault for asking mom to leave him etc, I internalized the sexual harassment and the molestation… internalized the guilt of being suicidal because i had no where to turn… couldn’t tell anyone because of the fear of DSS coming and taking us away. In my child’s logic at the time, DSS=taking kids from families, and I couldn’t live with the thought of my sisters being separated from me and harmed because I spoke out on the abuse.
So now all these years later I am beginning to open up the box I stuffed all the pain into… I have to open it, and deal with things that are very very HARD to deal with. I have to live with that daily, functioning as if things are normal… always the bright smile and strong exterior even though inside i feel like apple sauce.
So what does one do, when all you have ever known is to be strong, to be disciplined, to help others, to sacrifice EVERYTHING for the good of others? Well you cry at night… you cry when no one is looking because you’ve NEVER EVER had a soul you could trust to look out for you and to be there with and for you. You write, as I did, in ways that give little bits of yourself and your pain to others so that you can release some of the pressure you’re feeling; hoping, always hoping, that some how some way you can reach someone and help them.