Abusive Men and the Way They Confuse Love and Abuse
Nov 27th, 2008 by admin
Following is another excerpt of Lundy Bancroft’s book which I believe is excellent. I am posting these excerpts not because I think Bancroft is a better advocate for battered women than are the many very fine women who have dedicated their lives to fighting abuse of women. There is little that is more frustrating to me than the way the whole world will suddenly up and listen to what a man says, even if what he says is mediocre compared with what women are saying and have been saying for decades and centuries. The value of Bancroft’s work in large part is, his work has been almost entirely with abusive men over a very long time, at least two decades. Because he is a man working with men, he has been able to engage with them in ways women virtually never can, because abusive men don’t engage with women in the same way they engage with men.
So is [the abusive man] lying when he says he loves you? No, usually not. Most of my clients do feel a powerful sensation inside that they call love. For many of them it is the only kind of feeling toward a female partner that they have ever had, so they have no way of knowing that it isn’t love. When an abusive man feels the powerful stirring inside that other people call love, he is probably largely feeling:
- The desire to have you devote your life to keeping him happy with no outside interference
- The desire to have sexual access
- The desire to impress others by having you be his partner
- The desire to possess and control you
These desires are important aspects of what romantic love means to him. He may well be capable of feeling genuine love for you, but first he will have to dramatically reorient his outlook in order to separate abusive and possessive desires from true caring, and become able to really see you.
The confusion of love with abuse is what allows abusers who kill their partners to make the absurd claim that they were driven by the depths of their loving feelings. The news media regrettably often accept the aggressors’ view of these acts, describing them as “crimes of passion.” But what could more thoroughly prove that a man did not love his partner? If a mother were to kill one of her children, would we ever accept the claim that she did it because she was overwhelmed by how much she cared? Not for an instant. Nor should we. Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person’s self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.
…Abusive men come in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad, are macho men or gentle, “liberated” men. No psychological test can distinguish an abusive man from a respectful one. Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficits in his skills…Abuse is a problem of values, not psychology. When someone challenges an abuser’s attitudes and beliefs, he tends to reveal the contemptuous and insulting personality that normally stays hidden, reserved for private attacks on his partner. An abuser tries to keep everyone — his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives — focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will then be able to escape his domination.
–Lundy Bancroft from Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
I agree Lundy Bancroft is an excellent writer and the reason is because he shows us how violent men justify and excuse their behaviour and actions. Men who commit violence against women and even men who do not commit violence but just demonstrate contempt and arrogance to women will never disclose their real views to women. But such men will tell male listeners or men such as Bancroft, because these men believe another male will automatically agree with them. Which is why Bancroft’s work and other men such as Jackson Katz for example, is so important since a man challenging another man’s behaviour or belief system sends a clear message not all men think, behave or react as he does.
Reading extracts such as these reinforces the importance of Bancroft’s work whilst of course not forgetting much of Bancroft’s work could not have taken place if it were not for the feminists who unearthed how patriarchy operates and how these patriarchal values are accepted as ‘common sense’ and supposedly natural.
Abuse is a problem of values, not psychology. When someone challenges an abuser’s attitudes and beliefs, he tends to reveal the contemptuous and insulting personality that normally stays hidden, reserved for private attacks on his partner. An abuser tries to keep everyone — his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives — focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will then be able to escape his domination.
Wow. This could be said about the whole world, the patriarchal social structure in general. So often attention goes back to “what about the meeennn?” Isn’t this the same tactic/dynamic? And isn’t this how we start to escape/dismantle the patriarchy, by “grasp[ing] the true nature of [the] problem.”
Heart, do you remember linking to someone who had written a piece about how the Republican party was rather like an abusive partner in that it’s been the Democrats and/or other progressives that have been constantly reframing the debate based on what the conservatives said/did? Just as she wrote that being progressive and living with Republican rule was in some ways akin to living with an abuser, so too does just being a woman living in a patriarchy feel like living with an abuser. We make excuses, we minimize, we deny because we feel powerless and because we’re always told that that’s just the way things are. Our self-esteem is constantly whittled down with these persistent and often subtle digs on our character and worth. We fear stepping out of line because we fear the possible violent repercussions.
What’s that Wiccan saying? As above, so below? Heh, not that I need to tell y’all about how men’s abusive tendencies are rooted in male supremist thinking :-p Just that this quote seemed to really speak to that as well.
Thanks for quoting this author, Heart. He’s definitely going on my reading list!
*groan* sorry about the lack of closed tags!
If this is true, then there’s something wrong with psychology, simple as that. I read that the Fritzl “monster” was deemed “sane” by a (female) psychologyst.
I’d love to read a good feminist critique of psychology.
I believe this about describes all men alive today. What is a mystery to me is how women feel compelled to allow access to themselves in the first place. Why do they marry men? Why do they live with them? Men have nothing but contempt for women, will forever stand in our way every chance they get, forever want to cheat us, underpay us, rape us, and control access to children.
Men in other words are a substandard species who con women right and left.
Older women seem to get this, young women remain clueless age after age. Women actually believe men. In my book, I rarely meet any men I wouldn’t label as abusive or worthless in terms of their humanity. I don’t actually believe men are capable of being human, I think they are something else, and some day, I hope to move to a place where they no longer exist. At least one country in the world where they are forever banned. I don’t think women controlling a continent or a country is too much to ask.
P.S. I agree with Heart, men like Bancroft are useful, because men never listen to women. It’s a waste of time to have a conversation about women’s right to life, liberty and the pursuit of a male free world. So men, who are from the abuser class, need to stand up, and deal with the creeps from a male perspective.
Men do understand women when we hold a gun to their heads, when we are stronger than they are, or when we have all the power. Men listen when their lives are in danger, they don’t listen or care unless women have the power to enforce listening.
It’s why I have a male dog– sit, stay, good boy, that about describes the mental capacity of men.
Satsuma-
who ARE you? email me at my blog.
awesome post! so right. in my abusive situation i kept trying to access the depth of my ex’s feelings. the problem was, it was his thinking.
a man who believes himself to be truly superior to women, and this is most men, if not all on some level, is impossible to heal, until he realizes the error of his thinking, even his own attempts to heal will falter.
the same can be said of society as a whole. not realizing that supremicist beliefs preclude peace, we stumble on.